Driving and thinking

I am on a business trip, and decided to drive the 1,300 miles, instead of flying.  Yes, it took two solid days of driving, but I got a chance to do a lot of thinking while on the road.

When we first separated back in 2008, I took a trip to Colorado, to an out-of-the-way hot springs that we both enjoyed.  I hiked up the mountain early one morning to the upper pool, and had a delightful soak, all to myself.   When I was up there in the early morning sun and enjoying the delightful warm water, I had a chance to reflect and meditate and think about what I wanted.  I decided then and there that I wanted her, and I would do whatever it took to win her back.

On hindsight, that may have been a mistake, because now I believe that I tried too hard to show her how much I loved her, and how much I wanted her back.  She came home that October, but the relationship never did take back off, but I was happy, and didn’t see the warning signs.

Now I am taking a different tact, one I should have done during the separation, but was too heartbroken and shellshocked to do.  I’m allowing her to have her total freedom from me, partly because I need my space too.

I still have hopes that she will find what she wants, and that what she wants will be me, but I’m realistic enough to know that the chance of her returning to me is very slim, and ultimately I will have to move on.

I guess that is part of the healing process, accepting the reality that she will never come home.  It does kill me, because I do love her, and want to grow old with her.  I’m so proud of the woman that she has become, and I like to think that I helped to influence her choices, including her choice to move on.

So what about the thinking?

I’ve decided that I am doing what is right for me.  I’m taking time to heal.  I know that my hopes may be false, but because I know that, I can be prepared for the worst (that she will never come home).  In reality, it can’t get any worse.  It can only get better, with my moving on, or her coming home (or both).

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