Saturday musings

I’ve been away from home now for a week, and I have one more before I return home.  My ex is taking care of the house and the animals while I am gone.  She is also (I’m assuming) cleaning out the rest of her stuff from the house.

And of course, I’m wondering… what is she thinking now that she is back at the house, sleeping in ‘her’ bed, showering in ‘her’ shower, eating breakfast at ‘her’ table, sitting on ‘her’ couch.   Will she wonder if she made the right choice?

Let me backtrack a little.  I’ve done a lot of research on our separation and divorce, and I’m convinced (as is my therapist) that she is still suffering from a mid-life crisis.  Yes, it seems to be a legitimate psychological trait in women.  Most people think of a mid-life crisis as a man-thing, with the convertible, and the hot young blonde, but women have an MLC just as much, if not more, as men.   I met her when she was 17, and I was her second boyfriend (she came from a very protective home… too protective in hindsight).  We married when she was 19.  I was 25, and I had been on my own for 7 years, and had sowed my oats.  She never did.

I had always been told to not have kids immediately, but to wait and make sure the relationship would last.  Spend time with the spouse, and make sure you are compatible after the lust wears off.   So after 4 years, she got pregnant, and I figured that we were good to go for life.

She never really gave me any indications that there were outward problems, but I noticed that we weren’t as intimate.  I was always wanting to be sexual, but she wasn’t.  (I found out later that she had been taught that sex was a necessity, and not to be enjoyed by the female).  When we did have sexual relations, it was not very enjoyable for me.   I enjoy the touching and exploring during intimacy, and she did not.  So I turned to someone else to give me that intimacy.

Yes, I had an affair.  Interestingly enough, we never had intercourse, but we had everything else:  sensual massages, bubble baths in candlelight, mind-blowing oral sex (both ways), and just laying down and touching each others bodies.  It was the intimacy that I had missed for so long.  It only lasted a few months, as we both moved away, but it did have an impact.   And yes, the ex found out about it, and we had a discussion just before we moved.  She was ready to pack up and move back to her mama (I found this out only a few weeks ago).  But we were able to have a discussion, and I told her why I had this affair, and that I loved her, but I was not getting the intimacy that I needed.  I wanted to be with her, but I wanted her to be with me.

I should mention that this all happened 16 years ago.

Thus became the start of our new journey, and one which would essentially change everything.  But you’ll have to wait til tomorrow to read about that.

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