I really don’t want to face what I know is true. I don’t want to admit that I really will never be intimate with my ex again. I will never be able to hold her like I want, to love her body in “those special ways”. I just don’t want to admit that.
My heart knows the truth, but my brain refuses to give in to the reality.
I know that its over, but there is still that little bit of me that hopes that she will come back. I wish I knew what it would take to get her to come back, but I don’t. I know I just need to give up, and start looking for a new mate, but I just don’t want to.
It’s very simple. I still love her. Truly love her. Even with all the expletive she has put me through, I still long to be with her, to hold her, to listen to her, to share a couch, table, etc with her.
I had dinner with her and our son tonight. They both had come over for different reasons, and I thought it would be nice to go to dinner. We sat in a booth, and I sat next to her, and our son directly across. It was just like old times, and it was an enjoyable evening. I asked her if she wanted to go to a lunch party with me on Sunday with some of our mutual friends, and she said no. I asked her if she wanted to go ride the motorcycle with me tomorrow (we are due terrific weather) and she begged off due to a previous engagement (that one I can understand).
I want to ask her out on an official date, but I know that she will probably say no, but I want to try, and I want to try to plan something unique and fun that we will both enjoy. I really thought that the motorcycle ride would be perfect, but she does have a conflict, and that won’t work. Well, I can certainly try that for a future weekend.
See, I just can’t face the truth. She doesn’t love me. She has told friends that she never loved me, I was just her escape. She says she lied to me for 27 years. (I actually find that very hard to believe).
I know she has changed. I have changed. And my love for her has also changed over the years. There were times, I admit, that I didn’t love her very much, but my loyalty to her never wavered, and I was able to overcome that and fall back in love. I keep hoping that she will fall back in love, but if she truly never loved me before, then what makes me think she will ever love me.
Sometimes I drive myself batty trying to figure it all out.
Bottom line. I have to let go. I have to move on. I have to.
But I’m not ready yet.