It’s been well over two years since the divorce, and I still can’t stop thinking about her. Problem is, she doesn’t think about me. In fact, she has a new boyfriend. I don’t know a lot about him, other than he is a biker, ex military, bald, and a bit wilder than I am/was.
My son met him a few weeks back, and was not impressed. I didn’t expect that he would like him, but my son said “well, I don’t hate him.” Not sure what that actually means.
I do know one thing for certain. I don’t like the fact that he has taken my place at the family events. He will be there for Thanksgiving. I won’t. In fact, I won’t have any family, except my son, to spend time with during any holiday. He has taken my family away from me, and I hate him and her for that.
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote the following, thinking that I would post it on that date. I kinda forgot to post it..
(originally intended to be posted here and on FaceBook on 11/4/12)
Today marks a significant anniversary in my life. It was on this date, 32 years ago that I had my first kiss with the woman that I eventually married. I admit, I don’t remember a lot of dates and events from my past, but this one was especially memorable.
I was the anchor for election coverage for the radio station that I worked at (we won a statewide award for our work that night, btw), and she was one of our helpers for the night. When it became apparent that Ronald Reagan had defeated Jimmy Carter for the office of President, I was able to send our helpers, including her, home. It was during a break that I walked her outside to her car, and asked if I could give her a kiss. I was so nervous about asking her, but somehow managed to work up the courage. She said yes, and we did. What a wonderful memory, and one I will never forget.
I had met her only a few months earlier, just days after her 17th birthday, and I was immediately smitten. I was able to see her a few more times before Election Day, but had not been able to ask her out (her dad had a few issues with that!)
Well, the kiss did its job, and I was totally committed to this wonderful girl. We were married a little over 2 years later, and remained married for 27 years.
Alas, somewhere along the way, she grew unhappy with me, the marriage, her life, who knows what else, and decided that it was time to move on. I will admit that I was not the perfect husband, but I did try the best I could to make her happy. We had the typical marriage for couples… good days and a few not so good, and I had entertained the thought of leaving her a few times… but even when I was mad at her, I still loved her, and knew that I could and would work “it” out. I still feel that way today.
But she left me, and eventually left her job, her son and her life here in Dallas to start brand new. She has a new boyfriend, and apparently they are getting pretty serious. I’m trying to move on myself, but it is very difficult. There are days that I just don’t want to get out of bed because I miss her so terribly.
I lost more than the woman I still love dearly. I lost the extended family that I really never had growing up. I didn’t understand how family worked until I met her and her family. In fact, it really freaked me out the first time I met the family at a holiday gathering. But I grew to love many of those relatives and cherished the times that I had with them. I grew up with only three relatives that I ever met, and we were taught that one didn’t ever be with relatives. The enviornment that my parents created made it where I don’t relate well to my brother and sister. Very sad. We’ve tried to patch things up, but its never really worked well. I never knew what a cousin was, much less if I ever had one. I know that my former extended family would welcome me with open arms if I were to show up at a family function, but I also know how awkward it would be if I were to be there when “he” is there too.
So basically, all I have for family is my son (who reminded me of that). I treasure that he is still a part of my life, as I mourn the family that I no longer have. My father died last year, and my step mother really doesn’t want to anything to do with me (which is not a huge loss).
She has told me that yes, I do deserve the answers that I need about why she left. I’ve asked her to work on that, and perhaps early next year we can meet and clear the air, as it will help me to heal and move on, and I think that if she can tell me what was on her mind, it will help her in her future relationships.
I will tell you one thing. I married my true love, and I will never marry again. Even though under the eyes of the law we are no longer married, I will honor my pledge that I made on our wedding day. I gave her everything that I possibly could to make her happy, including the divorce. I can only hope that one day I can find happiness.
Now, I do have a girlfriend, but it is a very unusual relationship. She understands the baggage that I have, and somehow tolerates it (I truly don’t understand how or why). But I’m so very thankful to have her, as she has kept me alive through some very tough times.
I think my former extended family still reads my posts. I think they still know how much I love her and them, and how I want her to be happy. I hope they truly know that I did my best. And I hope they know how much I miss them and how I wish I could be there for the holidays, but there is no way in hell I would do that to them.
So today, I will think of her. I will remember that break during the 10 oclock news feed from CBS when I took a step that will forever be ingrained in me. And I wonder if she remembers that event, 32 years ago, November 4, 1980.