In less than two weeks, I will “celebrate” my 30th Wedding anniversary. Just because I am now divorced does not mean that I can not acknowledge a monumental event in my history. No matter what my ex-wife thinks, says or does, its still “our” anniversary, and it will always be.
But in knowing that I am about to mark the occasion, I have to recognize how much it still hurts to think about her, and how much I still care for her.
I had been very depressed because when I was working on a truck, my son moved a lot of my photographs, including our wedding album. I found all of my albums except for that one, and I’m convinced that he, or my ex took it. But fortunately, I was able to find the original negatives from the wedding (which is another story I may share someday). I scanned the negatives, and was able to see some photos that never saw the light of day (lets just say that the photographer was NOT a professional, and many of her shots were unusable. If you are familiar with film cameras, then you will understand when I say she had a major light leak problem). I spent many hours restoring the photographs, and posted them in an album on my Facebook page. I was torn about that, but many of our friends and relatives have never seen these pictures, and I felt it was something worth sharing. Judging by the comments from my ex-wife’s relatives, I did the right thing.
I quit checking my wife’s Facebook page several months ago. It was a tough thing to do, but I have managed to stay away for the most part. A few weeks back, a friend saw I was upset, and thought it was because I had seen photos of my ex and her new boyfriend on a weekend getaway. Well, I hadn’t seen those pictures, but decided that I might as well get it over with. I went to her page, and saw the photos, and they looked very happy. They looked like we used to look, but that was a long time ago. I was mad for a few minutes, but then I got over it. Maybe I am finally starting to heal. Oh, don’t get me wrong… I still hate that mother-f***er for taking my wife and family away from me and it pisses me off that my mother-in-law ‘friended’ him, but I understand that he doesn’t know, and she has moved on, something I still can’t do.
Today I went and checked her page, and discovered that the photos were no longer visible to me. I don’t know if she blocked me from seeing them, or if they were removed, but I can’t see them. I’m curious to know if she blocked me. I know its none of my business, but I still care about her, and I do want her to be happy.
I don’t know a lot about him, other than he has a lot of tattoos, and he rides a yellow Harley-Davidson. I wish I knew how they met, but I suspect I will never learn that one. I know its a morbid curiosity, but I really want to know what he has that I don’t (besides the tattoos and the Harley). Maybe he pleases her sexually in ways that I was unable to accomplish. Maybe he is a better kisser. Maybe he is impotent, and she no longer wants sex. Maybe he is not a cuddler, and that’s what she wants. I know, I’m a bit obsessive about the whole thing.
I was thinking (I know, very dangerous), and it came to my mind that I should write him a note. If I were to do such a thing, it might go something like this:
“Dear (insert name of mother-f***er),
You don’t know me, and I don’t know you, but we have something in common. We both love the same woman. Yes, I am the ex-husband of the beautiful lady that you are dating.
It’s funny… in a different world we might be friends. We both like motorcycles, and who knows, there might be other things we enjoy, but right now, I hate your guts.
So next week is Valentines Day, and I’m guessing you are going to get her something special, or take her out for a nice dinner, but you need to know that Valentines Day marks the 30th anniversary of our wedding. While you are celebrating something happy, I will be mourning the loss that I still feel, 3 years after the divorce.
I tried to give her everything she wanted, including a no-contest divorce. Sure, I could have made things nasty for her, but because I still dearly love her, I let her go, and tried to make everything non-confrontational. You also need to know that her family was the only family I really ever had, and I’ve lost that too. Sure, they say I will always be welcome, but you know as well as I do how awkward that would be if I were to show up at a family event.
I’ve seen the pictures of the two of you together, and I can tell that you are both very happy, and I’m glad for that. But I still want to punch you in the nose.
Please take care of her. And don’t hurt her. I will come after you if you do.
I know, totally creepy, eh? But I sure felt better typing it.
I really wish I could tell this guy how I feel. I’m not sure that would help anything. I doubt he gives a crap about me, or that he even knows anything about me. I certainly know very little about him.
But that’s whats going on in my mind as I approach the 30th anniversary of my marriage to the woman that I love. I was supposed to give her pearls this year. But I’m still holding the bag.