31

If you’ve read my blog, then you know that today (Valentine’s Day) is my 31st anniversary.

True, I have not been married for almost 4 years now, but that doesn’t change the fact that 31 years ago I married my beloved sweetheart.

A lot has changed in the last four years, some good, a lot bad. When I look back at all that life has thrown at me, I find it amazing that I have survived.

A loss of two jobs, a bad decision on a third, a fourth job that I loved, but barely paid me minimum wage, and my fifth and current job, which I also love, but as of now, does not pay me enough to cover all my expenses.

In addition, in 2010 I had a storage building broken in to and robbed, and had over $10,000 worth of gear stolen, some of which was recovered, but not nearly all, and I’ve lost two contracts for “hobbies” that made me some (badly needed) extra funds, and were great recreation for me. I was notified of both contract terminations too late in the season to allow me to find a new contract.

I’ve had to declare bankruptcy, which is unbelievably emotionally draining. I lost my beloved motorcycle in the bankruptcy, but was able to keep my house, although in hindsight, I might have done better to let that go.

I also made a major change in that I moved out of the home that I was staying in for the past year. I so miss the family that we had become.

Over the last four years, especially this last year, I’ve learned a lot about myself, and I learned a lot about my marriage. I know I was not a perfect husband… who can say they are a perfect spouse? But I feel that I tried very hard to make things work.

I still follow my ex on Facebook. I don’t look at her profile often, but maybe once a month or so. I have learned a lot about her. It seems that I really did not know who she was. I thought I did, but alas, I was very wrong.

Yes. I never truly knew my wife. I didn’t know the person that I slept with for 27 years. Her sister has essentially confirmed what I surmised: that my ex married me to escape from her home. It wasn’t a bad home, but it was a very conservative religious home, and in her heart, she was a rebel. I gave her the opportunity to be a little wild, but ultimately, I was not wild enough for her. When I first met her, the only vehicle I had was a motorcycle. Instead of being afraid of riding, she hopped on the back the first opportunity that she got. I didn’t think anything of it, since I love to ride, but I’ve discovered that most of the women that I know have no desire to ride on the back of a bike. (Ironically, my new love also loves to ride. I like that!).

It turns out that she has some hobbies now that I had no clue she had any interests in. Hobbies that I would have loved to had a chance to help her with, but I never had the opportunity. I can only guess that she was afraid that if she shared her dreams with me, that I would not support her. I know she loved camping, and it was not one of my favorite things, but I went with her every once in a while, but I also tried to encourage her to join a camping group (which she did), so that she could truly enjoy her hobby. I am guessing that my lack of enthusiasm for sleeping on the ground led her to believe that I would not support her or enjoy some of her other pursuits that she is now engaged in.

A mutual friend of ours shared with me recently that I said something early in the marriage that was totally misinterpreted. I won’t go into details, but according to our friend, I said something that she considered to be a threat, but she never said a word about it to me, and I had no chance to correct her interpretation. I never knew what she was thinking. I also know that I never said anything close to what she thinks was said, so I don’t know if the ex really believes this, or was making a cover story for something else.

I always tried to show my support, and show her how much I love(d) her, but it didn’t matter what I did. I now know it was not totally my fault. I did all that I could do, but it wasn’t enough. I wish I could have given her the confidence that she could be totally honest with me; totally open with, and allow me to see her inner wild child, and truly share her passions. But it didn’t work out that way. She meticulously planned this divorce out, and then made plans to leave her life behind, abandoning her friends, her son, and her job. She’s remarried to a hard core biker, and her wild child has escaped. There is no turning back. She is gone for good, and I am still left holding the bag.

It’s funny. When I was growing up, I was never popular. I was the kid that could never get a date, that the girls didn’t even give me a second glance. I was considered the funny looking guy, or just plain ugly. I didn’t get a lot of dates after high school either, probably because my confidence was shot. I did have a couple of girl friends, but they didn’t last very long either. I dated one girl… was madly in love, and proposed, only to be shot down because I wasn’t religious enough for her.

When I met my ex, I had essentially given up on finding someone to settle down with, and marry, but the moment I saw her, I was head over heals in love. And she didn’t run away from me scared, so I thought maybe I had a chance. We continued to date, and I continued to be totally in love with her. I was afraid to propose because I just couldn’t handle a rejection, but ultimately I did, and ultimately we did marry. But knowing what I know now, I feel very small, very ugly, very unloved. I love my girlfriend now, but I wonder a lot what does she see in me. After all, she is incredibly beautiful (I’m looking at her picture right now), unbelievably beautiful, and I just don’t understand how she wants to be with me.

I also think that I am very boring. I just don’t want to “do” anything. I just want to sit on my ass and watch TV. I fight hard to not do that, and I try to find fun things to do, but it is very difficult to not get lost in the boob tube.

I make a little progress every day. This blog helps. I can share my thoughts, and it doesn’t matter if they are read or not. It allows me to process how I feel, and what I have to do to continue to heal.  I sometimes wonder if anyone has told the ex of this blog. I doubt it, as I have very few readers.

Anyway.

So, happy anniversary to me. I will look back and treasure the time I had with her. One day, I will move on.

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