It’s been an interesting two weeks

My ex wife returned to town a few weeks back to see our son for his birthday. I knew she was coming, and had asked her to visit for a few minutes with me if possible. I fully did not expect that I would see her, but she called me the evening after she arrived, and invited me to breakfast the next morning at her hotel.

It was a good visit. Apparently I was a good boy, and didn’t overwhelm her with my emotions (at least that is what my son told me later).

We chatted about her upcoming move out west, and about how she was doing, the usual small talk. The only thing I said was that I was ready to meet her new husband, and I asked if he knew she was with me (she said yes).

But I so wanted to sweep her up in my arms and make passionate love to her, but I settled for just a hug (and was surprised that I got that.)  Actually, I got several hugs.   The first one was a one shoulder hug, but the rest were traditional hugs.

It was a good visit, and very possibly the last time I will ever see her again. I left with my emotions all tangled up.

She looked very good. I’m not sure about what she is doing with her hair, but hey, that’s her decision, but she still looks as beautiful as the day I married her.

Now the bad news…. the dreams have started up again. And they are more vivid. Last night was the worst one, as in my dream, she told me that she had left her new husband, and wanted to be with me again. I don’t like those dreams. I don’t want it to be a dream. I either want it to actually happen, or allow me to forget and move on.

I was reminded of what my marriage was by looking at some texts from a few years ago from a friend, when I commented that I felt my marriage was a sham. She wrote:

“Sham” is a big word. I think its more accurate to say that your perspectives were different, and it took (name omitted) a long while to realize what her perspective entailed….
If you think about it, the vast majority of marriages outside our culture aren’t based on romance, but a real familial love grows during the duration of it. That kind of love was definitely present in your marriage.
No, she never romantically loved you, and didn’t know what romantic love felt like because she was so young when you married, but she definitely loved you! …
As she got older, she felt she had missed out on an important life experience: romantic love. That’s what undid your marriage. ….. its easy to prove because she told me this. It was (biker boyfriend) that made her realize there were depths to the concept of love she had never plumbed.
When (biker boyfriend) went south, she craved that feeling again, like we all do.
She didn’t know then what was missing. Hard to imagine that someone was so sheltered that they didn’t understand romantic love, but she was!

I don’t think I comprehended what was said when I got that text two years ago, but now it makes more sense. And its a bit frustrating to me that I spent nearly 30 years with a woman who did not love me romantically, but yet, I love her still today.

I’m trying to put myself in a position where I can have another relationship. I really need to have someone I can cuddle up with a lot.    I’m not sure I will have much luck finding someone else that I can have a committed relationship with (and will their definition of “committed” be different from mine?)    I have had sexual intercourse with only one woman since my divorce (which some people find hard to believe, but its true).  I’m not wanting to hop from bed to bed, but I do want a full on relationship.

The question is… am I ready?

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