5 Years today

Today marks the 5th anniversary since I heard those words that I was afraid would be coming.

“I don’t want to be married to you any more”.

She told me on Sunday.   Then four days later, on Thursday I was laid off from my job.   That night, we went to counseling, and she told the counselor that her decision was made, and she was done.

Five years.

It’s hard to believe its been that long, and its hard to imagine all that has happened in my life since that time.

6 jobs (including the one I was laid off of four days later… I had that job for 10.5 years).

One bankruptcy

One theft of about $10,000 worth of my stuff.

One “I almost took my life” day.  (yeah, that was a very dark day).

I’ve learned a lot about my marriage in the past years.  More and more information has been pushed my way by various sources, and they all essentially said my marriage was doomed.   She loved me, but she never really “loved” me.   I was her “out” from a restrictive home.  She was taught obedience, and figured I was the lesser of two evils, since she did like me.

Did she ever really love me?   I may never know.  I know that my love for her grew over the years.  I admit it… I was scared shitless when our wedding day was upon us.  I wondered if I really did love her, and if I did want to spend my life with her.   Was I making a huge mistake?

But as time went by, I knew she was my true love.  Too bad it was one-sided.  Every day that went by, I found more and more to love about her.  I enjoyed watching her grow and discover the world.  I enjoyed encouraging her to spread her wings (she was very reluctant to do so).   It was a good time, and I enjoyed every minute I had with her.   I remember this shy girl going to the nude beach, and loving it, loving the freedom, and feeling the power she had.

She was my muse, and my favorite model.  I loved how she would always pose for me, both nude and clothed, and I hope she appreciated how much I loved her body, almost as much as I loved her.  I gotta tell you, she had the most perfect breasts I’ve ever seen.   Her nipples pointed up at about a 40 degree angle, and she had wonderful curves.   She inspired me to learn more about photography, so that I could properly document her beauty, and the beauty of others.   (I have photos of her and other friends that are truly art pieces… and not just in my opinion.)   She convinced me to get back in to singing, when I had given up on it many years before.

I will always wonder if I could have done something different to keep her.  I know I let the television control me more than I should have, but I didn’t watch a ton of sports on the weekend.  Yeah, during football season I was gone on Friday nights working the local high school game, but didn’t watch a lot of college ball, and on Sunday, I would watch my NFL team, but usually none of the other games.   But I did let prime time control my life, and that was a mistake.   I felt that I tried to do things she wanted to do, even though I didn’t want to do them (mostly shopping), but I don’t think she realized that I loved being with her, even doing things that I would not normally do.  Most of my friends say that there was nothing that I could have done, that her decision was final, and had come over many years.   I was clueless.

I find it funny that she ran off with a Harley biker.  I introduced her to the joys of riding bikes, but she was always in physical pain after a ride, and we never were able to do a long ride together.  I had a bike when we met, and sold it just before kid, but I got another one when the kid was 8, and she was excited when we brought it home.  But that is when she discovered how painful it was to ride.  We never went on that long trip together.   However, she’s done a cross-country ride with her new hubby.  I’m still trying to wrap my mind around that one.

She’s gone from my life, and odds are I will never see her again (although I have been told I will be going to her new town sometime later this spring for a convention).

So today I’m going out with some friends, and will spend the day with them.  But tonight I will go home to my empty house, and sleep in my empty bed, and wake up tomorrow to the same empty house and empty bed.   I’m in a better place than I was even a year ago.

But I still go through a lot of pain.  It’s gotten to be unbearable at times, and I wonder how I will make it to the next day.   I would give anything to have her back, or to make the pain go away.   But I will put a smile on my face, and I will tell the world I’m okay.

But the reality is, I’m lost without her.

5 years.   Where did the time go?

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