There has been a lot going on in my life the past few weeks, mostly involving my adult son.
It was a serious episode, and his mom (my ex) needed to be involved. Fortunately, everything is okay with my son, and that’s the best news.
But I had a lot of interaction with my ex over the last two weeks. Lots of text messages, and several telephone calls. The first few calls had some “awkward” moments. I mean, what do you say to someone you still love, but who doesn’t love you?
But hearing her voice made me so happy, even though it was not the best of circumstances. She had several suggestions and observations about the situation that made me remember several things that I loved her for. It was also the first time we had really had serious discussions since before the divorce.
She told me that she and biker boy are contemplating another move… further west to the San Diego area. Whats a few hundred more miles distance between us? Turns out that is where he grew up. His ex and kids are in Vegas, but he wants to go back home. Who could blame him. Southern California is a wonderful area. I wouldn’t mind being there either if I could afford it.
I tried to be a good boy. I really did. I so badly wanted to tell her how much I still loved her, and how much I missed having her as my partner. I think that was part of the awkwardness of some of the conversations… I was trying to find the right words to say instead of “I Love You!”
Well now that the situation is resolved, and the calls are done, the dreams have started again. Very vivid dreams where she is at the forefront.
I had one last night. Parts of it are still etched in my brain. She and I were on a motorcycle in a Gotham City-esque setting. And I was crying out to her, “Don’t Go!” That’s all I remember. I do remember waking up in a cold sweat. It was not a pleasant way to wake.
I still think about her every day. I still wonder how I am able to function. I so want to talk to her and tell her that if it doesn’t work out with Biker Boy, to give me another chance.
Who knows? Maybe she will read this blog. I’m sure someone has given her the link.