I’m happy. But ….

I am happy.  Very happy.  But I wonder if I deserve to be happy.  (Well, of course you do!… I can hear the words now).

I met R 10 weeks ago, and it has been a magical time.  She is absolutely perfect for me.  Same age, we think a lot alike, we have both been divorced for 6 plus years, and the other spouse has moved on and married, and we are both from a poly and swinger background.   And, more importantly, we are looking for that one person to be with.

I have fallen very much in love with this woman.  It’s like she is my soulmate that I’ve been waiting for all these years, and never thought I would find.   So what the eff is the problem here?

I think its the thought that I would never find someone that was the perfect match for me, and I keep looking over my shoulder waiting for the disaster to strike.

But it hasn’t.

It’s still wonderful.

Reefs at Cayman

The fish are returning to the reefs in Grand Cayman

We were going to go to Burning Man a few weeks back, but the plans just fell apart.  So we took a cruise instead.  She loves cruises, and I enjoy them too.  We had a balcony cabin, and it was a wonderful week together.  We watched the thunderstorms in Montego Bay, snorkled in the Cayman Islands and rented a car and drove around Cozumel, and had some of the best shrimp ever at Mescalitos!

We saw some fun shows, played Bingo, sang karaoke, and ate lots of good food.   And we slept in.   We didn’t have to do everything, but could just stop and smell the roses.   I found that refreshing that I didn’t have to provide entertainment 24 hours a day.  We could just sit and chill.

So what the eff is wrong with me that I’m not 100% happy about all this?   I don’t know.  I just have this lingering feeling that its all a dream, and something is going to go horribly wrong, and I will be alone again.   I’m not used to having someone love me without strings, or without criticism, or without insults, or manipulation or…..

I realize more every day how my last relationship was very toxic, and how I never acknowledged the signals earlier.  M was always questioning my decisions, and I became afraid to even breathe, should she not approve.  Having her finally get tired of me was the best thing that could happen, because I was not going to make the move I should have years ago.  M may have cost me my marriage, or at least cost me the opportunity to salvage it.  I still don’t understand her, and probably never will, but I am so glad to be out of that horrible place.

And I know that R is a bit concerned because I still think about my ex-wife.  And, frankly, I always will.   We were together for almost 30 years.  But I’m poly.  I can still love my ex, and love R, and give R all the love that she needs and more.   I think R is also concerned because her BF from her previous city is coming to visit soon.   I’m very happy for her.   I feel confident in our relationship, and want her to have tons of fun with the old BF.

I never thought that I would marry again.   Ever.   R is making me rethink that.

So I guess the bottom line is that I am just scared.  I’m scared that this relationship is going too fast.  I’m scared that its just a dream and I will wake up.  I’m scared that R will discover that I’m not who/what she thinks I am and run away.   I’m scared that its too good to be true.

But I hope not.   I’m very happy now.   I’ve found my perfect mate.

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